Oh mother...

Oh mother dearest... *shakes head sadly*
You always say "You're such a good kid" when you say sorry for being mad at me. But if you knew the secrets I kept, you would never call me that again.

But yet... I know I can keep this secret, certain mesures taken. This, Sempai and other online only friends, is the reason I can't give you my phone number. If Mama saw that someone from Washington called me, she would freak. Then I would never hear from you again, because she would make me ban you. Then she would see everyone elses name she didn't recognize and ban those. Hell, she might ban ME from the internet. And as we all know, that would suck.

In other news, what is it now, 322 days left? 321? Yeah, 321. Also, I have decided I would be completely pissed if they didn't put 19 years later in HP7 P2.

A simple sentence

A simple sentence can change your outlook on someone. That's how I felt when I read an email from Sempai- that one sentence could make me feel so special, I hadn't known before. So I felt like I should do something like he did, say a simple something to everyone.

Kuroda, like I said, don't lose that wild sense of humor or imagination. I can't wait to see you again, my friend.
Sasate, you have a certain light to you. You're a fighter- stubborn like Rin. Never give up hope.
Sempai, don't thank me for looking up to you. Let me thank you for being someone I can look up to. You make me actually feel my age, in a good way. (aka I normally act older than I am and Sempai makes me feel like a child)
Kisa, you listen when I do decide to get something off my mind, and for that I thank you heartily. I will always be ready to listen. Also, I'm sorry for my suckish timing when I get off sometimes.
Jet- stay Jet. There's not much else to say to you.
Nara, I want to get to know you better. I feel I sortof brushed you off, and I'm sincerly sorry.
Hana, you're always so happy! I hope that when I'm 16, I'm a lot like you.

And to all my friends I haven't specified, thank you for being there for me.
Gods all bless, to all of you.

I never had a dream come true...

*Soft smile* Well... originally, this post was going to be fangirl'd on how I love Haku from Spirited Away. Yes, I finally got to blockbuster, and only found that. Oh well, I loved it sooooo much. But now I'm listening to "Never Had a Dream Come True" and am close to tears (of happiness, of happiness!) because it's so close to how I feel about two people in this giant world. Just two, and I'm sorry to those other people who impacted my life in big ways, but two people have impacted my life in such giant ways. Those two... are my best friends. Those two, when they found me, I was on the breaking point, both times. If I hadn't found them... I don't even want to finish that sentence. I would have withdrawn into myself, I guess. I would've completely died inside. I love you both, and if you dissapeared from my life now well I simply wouldn't be able to bear it. That's why, Kuroda and Sasate, I smile. You two are the reason I beleive in life anymore. It's why I can continue to write with my all, and my stories can continue to be light, and good. Bless you, you guys.

Kuroda, laugh every day, and keep your wild sense of imagination always. You're my Haku.
Sasate, please keep trying, even if it's just for me. I'm so selfish... but I want to see you. I'll come see you sometime, come save you if need be. I wish I could now, but I'm too young right now.

Like I said, I love you both, and you two are my dream come true. Goddess bless!

Well Plur.

I'm so pessimistic. I feel so inadequate, like I don't deserve, well, anyone. Heh. But for some reason, I'm not sad anymore, like I was last night. It's just turned into fact: Kiyo-chan does not deserve people. Kiyo-chan should simply stick to her animals. Kiyo-chan shouldn't afflict her presence on people. But Kiyo-chan, selfishly, does so anyways.

In other news, 324 MORE DAYS UNTIL HP 6 COMES OUT IN THEATERS!!! Yaaaaay, Number 6 has Ginny-san in it!

(Ginny Weasly, incidentally, happens to be my favorite charecter. Could you tell?)
...Wait. Who's going to play the charecters in the "Nineteen Years Later" epilouge? Will we see Teddy or Victoire? What color will Teddy's hair be, should we see him? Will they put the epilouge at all? How pissed will I be if they don't? The world needs to know!

Somebody cries, all the time...

And right now, the one crying is me. It's my fault, too. Kind of. You see, I wanted to read some things about Child Abuse, some stories I mean.

I can't imagine the pain, the days lived in fear... before I heard the song Concrete Angel, it hadn't even sunk in that there was something other than a happy family, the happy family that was Me, Ryuu, Mum and Da. I have never been struck by Mum or Da, and with Ryuu it was understandable (we were having a light saber fight, one that I won, by the way). Ryuu has insulted me (DUH), but he's an older brother, it's life.

But I have NEVER seen parents insulting their child, or striking their child. I guess I'm lucky. If only there was something I could do... I want to scream for them, cry for them. I've heard, from stories and poems on the topic, that the children being abused don't scream or cry, or else their abuser hurts them worse. It frightened me, badly too. The thought of some child crying somewhere late at night because their parent (or other person who abused them) hurt them. *shudders and gives a small sob* I wish I could help them all... if only there was something I could do! Oh... *collapses into silence*

Today just might be the best.

Today is awesome.

1) I WILL go to Blockbuster.
Random person: But-
NO. I WILL GO. Nothing in Hell is going to make me miss this chance, dangit!

2) I'm going to Guitar Center to get Kuroda's present. Ah ah ah! No hints, Kuroda!

3) I went to the library, which is in my top 5 places to go to (some of the others are The China Star, Borders, and The Cheesecake Factory).

4) I finished my algebra packet, which is 3 pages/52 questions long.

5) That little dog at Joy Unlimited wouldn't let some guy or his mom pet him, but for me, he sat, then lay down, then lay down on his side, then rolled over for me, which his owner said was remarkable.

6) My cat doesn't hate me today.

7) Today's episode of "What I like about you" has BEN OH MY GOD BEEEEEEEEEEN! Ben is hot, and british, so he has a british accent, making him doubly hot. Yes.

...

I LOVE YOU BEN! *squee*

Dancing queen...

Dancing... *brittle laugh* I've taken it up as a side hobby, if you could call it that. I don't take formal lessons- never will. It's more of an expression on how I feel. Like, when I'm happy, I go at a medium pace, swirling, dipping, jumping, and sliding. When I'm sad, there's no jumping, just slow sliding and circles drawn with my feet. And then, there was last night. I got off my chat calm as can be- and I exploded. Swirl, jab, slide, drop, jump up, spin while jumping, hit the edge of an armchair, push off said armchair, etc etc. I was so mad! Because I can't
do a
freaking
thing.

I want to help so badly- but I can't! I'm not mad at people, not the world, not my surroundings, just me! When I ended this eruption of fury, I stood in the middle of my living room, breathing heavily with my hair falling in my face. I'm sure that if you looked in my eyes, they would be no nonsense, the light taken out of them by rage. I wanted to claw at myself, punish myself for not being good enough. Instead, I sat down and cried, wanting to be so much more- and being so much less...

Erm, no comment?

Ok, I printed out my summer homework, an Algebra packet. Yeah, maybe I WAS suppossed to be working on it all summer instead of in the last two weeks, but whatever. The point is I have 3 pages of algebra to do. A normal child: This sucks!
Me: Yay!

My dad is an algebra teacher, so he's going to give me some tips to help make it easier (no, he will NOT give me the answers). Also, I am one of those little nerd-lings who manages to have non-nerd friends and love math at the same time. Basicly, I don't go around proclaiming how cool math is, I just think "Hey, cool, logic."
Logic puzzles are my hobby, by the way. Give me a logic puzzle and I will finish it if it kills me. Esp. those types that are like: There are four people, find their last name, color of hat, store they shopped at, and how much they spent.
Me: Alright!
Other people: ...*brain explodes*

So, people say: We have an algebra packet! That sucks, doesn't it?
And I just go: ...

I may go to blockbuster, or get netflix, cause I have SO many movies I want to see! Here is the short list:

Spirited Away
The Thief Lord
Fruits Basket (any season, I love them all :3)
Chicago (Gotta love musicals.)

Those are top on my list. I'm sure there's more, but those are off the top of my head.

*yells at the top of my lungs*
"They had it coming! They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it! (She didn't do it!)
But if I'd done it! (But if she'd done it!)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?!"

I want to watch that so badly... it's part murder mystery! Heck yeah!

MurderMurderMurder Murder Scandal!

Nerds and Geeks

I enjoy geeks. I really do. I love watching them geek out about things they saw in comic books. Best of all, I love video game geeks, such as Ryuu and myself. Ever read the comic Ctrl-Alt-Del, written by Tim Buckley? It's freaking hilarious, even if it does use a lot of cusswords. Oh well, such is the story of my life. I will now describe each (main) Charecter in my own words:
Ethan: Insane. He works at a video game store, surprise surprise.
Lucas: The smart one of the two guys, he works as tech support (or he was as far as I remember. Wait, didn't he quit that job? I forget.).
Lilah: The Girl gamer who KICKS BUTT. She's engaged to Ethan. How does she put up with him? Who knows.
Scott: Scott rarely comes out of his room. He uses Linux, which annoys Ethan (Ethan doesn't exactly like Scott). Has the only pet in the group, Ted the Penguin.
Ted the Penguin: Since he's a penguin, he never speaks (well duh). He is... disturbing. Ethan also doesn't like Ted. He gets his way, every time. Because he pwns.
Zeke: Ezekiel. A robot Ethan made out of an XBox. Yeah.

Um, that's it, to my standards. But it's a GREAT comic. Oh yes, there's also Chef Brian, who is 100% insane, compared to Ethan's 99%.

Righty-o, that's all.

Reality is sometimes Stranger than Fiction...

Mood: Trying hard not to cry
Listening to: Concrete Angel
Reading: Nothing at the moment (shocking!)
Watching: MMoFJ
Playing: Maplestory
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

Life is... surreal. I feel like I'm reading a book or watching a movie. I touch with out feeling, look without seeing, listen without hearing. Everyone has had moments like that, but it's happening more and more to me lately. I feel as though I've been brought in in the middle of a drama I cannot heal, cannot help, cannot stop, which terrifies me. Not the actual circumstances themself, but the feeling that I can't help one of my dearest friends. I want to jump on a plane right now, fly to her town, run up her street, burst through the door and say "I'm here, I'm here, don't run away, I'm here, and I care about you and I love you." I want to hold her in my arms and sing her a lullaby, rock her back and forth and reassure her she's alright. Not that I can say any of this to her.
1. She lives too far away to tell by mouth (obviously, as I said with the plane part)
2. She refuses to read our emails.
3. She would just glare at me and tell me she's not a child.

But Sasate, dear heart, you are a child, a child we ALL love. I know you think we don't care. You need a break, and I can understand that. But know this (if you still read my blog)- I care about you greatly. I love you. You are my best friend. And I miss the you I met 5 months ago.

5 months... it feels like so much longer! If I hadn't met you, I'm 100% sure I would've pulled a Kisa and fell so far into myself I couldn't talk, couldn't react to anything. As it is, I'm "On the edge of breaking down, with no one there" to save me.

I- I miss you so much! I'm about to cry, I can feel it, and probably will very very soon. The only thing I want in the world is for you to come back.You don't have to be perfect! You don't have to "deserve" us, whatever the hell THAT would entitle. All you have to do is be you! So please, come back as soon as you're ready, and I'll pray that that's soon, is that fair?

I love you Sasa-chan. I love you and pray you will feel better soon.

Mood: Thoughtful...
Listening to: I can't beleive my heart by Susan Egan
Reading: Fruits Basket book 14
Watching: ...not sure. I think it's Step by Step.
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

I always knew there was a song that "I won't say I'm in love" was based on, or so I heard. But until last night, I hadn't heard it. It's very... ballad-y. But I heard it once, and now... There's a little knot in my chest. Why? Because it's close to what I feel. Here are the lyrics I particularly like:

If life is worth the dissapointment
I haven't seen one reason yet
Until I met
The boy who smiles for free...
Upon this earth,
There's no one like him
He sees the girl I long to be
Making even me believe in me...

Well... That's how I feel about Night-Kuroda-whatever he wants me to call him.
NOT THE ROMANTIC PART OF IT! Just... how he's basicly the only boy I trust anymore (Besides my brother, of course). And lately, I've been sad, but whenever I talk to him, I see his smiling face in my head and can't help but cheer up. So Kuroda, here's to you. You're my OTF. (Ask not a question you won't get an answer to, children ;) )

I miss you in the morning
I miss you in the eve
I miss you when I'm wakeful
I miss you as I sleep.
I miss you when I'm lonely
When I'm surrounded by my friends
I miss you when I'm sad
But mostly, when I'm happy.

Kudos for being you!

Mood: Wanna get up and dance!
Listening to: 7 things by Miley Cyrus
Reading: Japanese Phrases for Dummies
Watching: George of the Jungle (The TV show, not the Movie.)
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

My friend had this great idea, to help my figure out how I want to decorate my room.
Three favorite music styles: Oldies, Celtic flute, Oriental music
Three words to describe you: Thoughtful, calm, shy
Three favorite colors: green, brown, blue (all MELLOW versions of those colors.)
Three intrests: Nature, animals, cooking
Three of your favorite subjects: Math, Art, and Woodshop :3
Three favorite hangouts: The Pool, The kitchen, and the outdoors.

Yes. I sound like a hippie! *laughs* But yeah, I feel SO at home in the outdoors.

Where was I? Oh yes, Katrina. As I said, she completely took on the look of the popular-cool kids, and was immediantly accepted in. I could've gone too, I suppose. I was certainly friends with at least half of them. I somehow found myself at the parties only the cool people were invited to. But as for being a member of the cool crowd? I dared to do something almost no girl would do- I opted out. Half didn't care. The other half still talks to me, but I'm not as good friends with them. Why did I opt out, you ask?
Because I wanted to keep friends that would fail their cool test. I hardly talk to Katrina anymore, but I'm fine with that, for two reasons.
1. I know I'm not cool enough. Maybe I could keep up that appearance for a month, at the most, mainly because half the time they either don't understand what they're doing or pretend not to, and I can't do that. When I understand what's going on, which is most of the time, I can't pretend not to.
2. She is NOT the same Katrina I hung out with. Maybe deep down she still is, but on the outside? I hardly recognize her.

I have a rigid set of values.
I believe you should be able to trust your friends.
I believe you should be someone your friends can trust.
I believe friends shouldn't go "out of style".
I beleive about half of the popular kids (at least of those I know) should go die, because no one wants their freakin' snottiness, no matter what they think.
The popular kids... how I could go on and on. There are people like Manda, Neddie, and Yana- people who are popular because they're nice and are kind to everyone. (if I got out of the little hole I make for myself, sitting with I book, I could possibly join these people.) But then there are... others, who get where they are by being ruthless, cutting people down, and wearing designer clothes, and people listen to them because they don't want rumors spread about them. The first group will grow up to be the great people of the world, maybe doctors or vets. The second will claw their way up that ladder, and once their at the top, people like me, who are fed up with their crap (sorry, there's just no other way to describe it) will finally get the chance I've always dreamed of, which is to kick their scrawny butt all the way back down.

Yes.

Also, insult me, I look at you with this, "Who, me?" look on my face (at least, I try to, sometimes the insult is too great to just do that to). Insult my friends, and you will get a BUTT WHOOPING. I don't care about myself, I put myself down anyways, but mean girls, try that insult again out of school and see where it gets you. I am dead serious, and I will start enforcing this. I mean it. Why do you get such a kick out of insulting people, yet if we call you a loser, you either go, "Ugh!" and storm off, or go crying to mommy? Hel-loo, can we see who's the stronger group yet?

Mood: P.O.'ed, and you will see why.
Listening to: the beeping noise as Viroku tries to talk to me (sorry dude! I just want to get this down!)
Reading: Japanese Phrases for Dummies
Watching: Pass the Plate! (on Disney Channel)
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: a granola bar (btw, I actually LIKE granola bars)
Drinking: nothing

Ok, I had a "shower moment" as my 5th grade teacher called them. (Meaning she had a wonderful idea while in the shower, from whence most of her great ideas come from.) I realized, once again, why the heck I don't want to be popular. First of all, I wish to share a story:
I have, had, a friend, let's call her Katrina (one of my many nicknames for her). Well, when we entered sixth grade, we had had an argument: I said I'd rather be uncool, because I knew I could trust my friends, she said she'd rather be cool and popular, because thn she'd be, well, cool. I said I didn't understand that, she said she'd NEVER wish uncoolness over popularity. I told myself she was just ambitious and let it lie. So we went into sixth grade the best of friends. Almost instantly, she unconsciously mimicked the popular and cool people- their attitudes, their mannerisms, their styles, everything. Continued tomorrow, lack of sleep.

Mood: Wanna get up and dance!
Listening to: I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry
Reading: Japanese Phrases for Dummies
Watching: George of the Jungle (The TV show, not the Movie.)
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

Oh my god. Camp was a blast. See, I went to Lions Camp Merrick, a diabetes camp in Maryland. And I had the BEST time. My times there will be revealed as I remember stories. Like the Camp Merrick Olympics! Italy vs Australia.... Italy won, 880 to 900. I was on Italy, so I was so glad we won, since normally whatever team I'm on sucks. Well, that's partly because I'M on the team! *laughs*

Well, I'm learning Japanese now. I can already:
~Count to ten
~Say "The cat is strange"
~Say "Good Morning (informal)", "Good Afternoon", and "Good Evening"
~Say "Give a cat coins" (or something like it) (It's their version of "pearls before swine")
~Tell you what the names "Ai", "Takeo", "Kimiko", "Akiko", "Mayumi" and "Kuroda" mean

Which, since I've only been at this for 2 days, is pretty good, especially for the fact that I am almost at the "hard to teach" age, which means 13 and older, and that I am a native speaker on a language based in latin, and this is my first language that I'm learning that ISN'T based off latin.

I seriously just sit here most the day reading my Japanese Phrases for Dummies book, borrowed from our dear friend the local library~