Today's topic is love. Such a broad topic.
PART I: Crushes
There comes a time when you realize: "Hey! This isn't a game!"
Ah, that double edged sword. You can take that simple statement many ways, but usually as one of two:
1. It's serious. And it is! But I'm not going to tell you to get married only for the sake of a legacy, hell no. But giving your love away to someone you don't actually love? Bad choice.
2. It's no time trial. That's what I'm really getting at. Love has no time limit. Earlier this evening, I was trying to think of ways to tell Kuroda I loved him without actually just going out and saying it. But then it dawned on me- I'll tell him when I tell him. It'll happen when it happens. Que sera, sera. I don't have to force myself to tell him- he wouldn't like that, either. He likes me for me, and he's one of the only ... 8? Maybe 9, who do. I have other friends, yes. But what THEY see is a dumbed down version of Kiyo- one who does NOT role play, one who is ABSOLUTELY normal, one who isn't even Kiyoko Matsuoka. They see the cold shadow of what I once was. Back on topic though, Kuroda was the first to crack through that shell. When I had a crush on Michael, I downplayed my true self. (This was a year before I met Kuroda, don't worry.) I tried to be cute, girly, like the popular kids. I wanted to be someone he would like. Not so with Kuroda. For some reason, I felt shy around him. Where I was bold with everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else, my voice grew quiet around him, I blushed easy and looked down alot, I even stuttered. When it came to ask partners for the Virginia Reel, I had to send a note through a friend. When he replied yes, my heart soared. I kept the note for as long as possible. I ended up dancing with someone else, though. They decided to choose our partners for us. If they hadn't, would things have been different? I think so. No one can know for sure. For a while, we were awkward around each other. I don't remember when we became friends- all I remember is saying plaintively, "Your friend doesn't like me." He replied, "What?". I said, "Sebastian. He doesn't like me." He said something like, "Oh, yeah." (after my first comment, everything gets fuzzy, so I'm trying to remember here. I DO remember the other boy, and what happened that led up to him hating me, and Kurodas confusion over the whole bit). We talked about a lot. I remember being nervous- I was NEVER nervous! Nervous was tests, nervous was doing my first dive. Nervous was not boys my age! Somewhere, he mentioned, or perhaps referenced, Harry Potter. I pointed that out, and we started talking more easily, getting more and more comfortable. Sometime the next year, I went to his house. We walked through the woods near his house. He apologized repeatedly at first because of the roughness. When I nearly sliced his shoulder with my bow, he realized I liked the roughness, so to hell with apologizing for it. We both loved book charecters; he made no secret of his crush on Hermione, then Luna, then some girl from Eragon. I, in turn, loved Bobby Pendragon, Artemis Fowl, and Domitan of Masbolle.
So, to make a long story short, I thought I didn't love him anymore.
Fuck that.
I thought I loved a boy named Paul. I will NOT go into that story again right now. But I realized soon enough that, like Michael, I hid the true me around him. Unlike the laughing, "Sorry! Sorry!"'s that came with hanging out around Kuroda, I increasingly mumbled, "I'm sorry, I'll do better, I'm sorry." To this day, my mind has been warped. I cannot see him for long periods of time. If I do I get more and more nervous until I explode in anger, flee the room, or burst into tears.
The boy I thought was my knight turned out to be a highway charlatan; the boy who seemed like the peasant turned out to be a knight on a white horse. Just goes to show.
PART II: Anime/Manga
Like I said, my mind is warped. And it is. I'm not going to lie or dumb it down. I mix reality with fiction. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because one of my fake brothers (and often, bishies) isn't there. For the record, the best way to deal with that is to tell me whoever it is:
A. Is on vacation
B. Told you to tell me that they'd be back soon
C. Is right here, stupid (then hand me an object semi-passible for the person; a bunny plush for Momiji, something really hard and big for Al. Like I said, semi-passible works- I'm asleep, remember?)
D. Isn't here right now, but oh, hey- he left me something so I can be comfortable (Anything leather/psuedo leather for Haru, A vest or portable game system for Matt. Improvise!).
I have a deep bond with all of the anime charecters I specificly mark out. Here are a few (including how the heck I'm related to them):
Haru: Brother. Easy going with a strange temper, I have problems with my love life (Maybe I'm more Rin >.>)
Hikaru: Brother. Hot temper when it comes to the person I love, extremely childish when it comes to that person.
Kaoru: I like to talk things out.
I'll finish this later. Maybe. Possibly? Dunno.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Even More Ramblings
Kiyo's back (and... well, not better than ever. Damn cough.)
1. I damned people to hell today. It was fun.
2. Matty is simply the older brother type. He seems like the type who'd let his sister run out crying, then sigh and go see what the hell happened and if he could shoot the guy who'd done it to her. But he'd do it very casually.
3. Sometimes I mix reality and my own little world. I swear, everytime I go to sleep I instantly feel Matty behind me, lying next to me so I feel safe. I'm sure some night I'll be at a sleepover, and I'll wake everyone up because I'll being crying out pitifully for Matty or Haru or Momiji or whomever I can't find in my dream. I hope someone tries to mess with my dreams at the next sleepover.
4. I'd like to rant at those who send on pass-ons:
Do you HONESTLY think that whoevers up there/down there/in outer space judging us is going to go: "Holy crap! They didn't send on a passon! I think I'll crash their car now. Whoosh!~" ?
Of course not. It's as ludicrious as the people who pray for luck in gambling and sports. Sure, pray for the skills needed to preform these tasks, but don't pray about the outcome. I find it hard to beilieve whoevers up there/down there/sitting on a rainbow seriously cares about our mortal sports. Unless you're part of some weird cult. Then maybe your 'God' does. I don't know. I don't care. But seriously, luck is luck is luck. I have bad luck- sending on a pass on will not make Kuroda come to my house, confess his love, and kiss me. It just ain't happening that way. If he does, then it's of his own accord (Inner: OH SWEET GOD YES). Inner me, please shut the fuck up now.
5. Yes, your delicate Kiyo cusses. When she's pissed. Shut the hell up and get over it.
6. She also cusses when embarressed. That or she just leaves. Seriously.
7. No, I don't like Near. No, I don't hate Near. I just don't like him as much as I possibly could, because I started out with a preference for Mels. When you like Mels, it's hard to also like Near. And since my Matty is Mels cohort, the desicion for me was obvious.
8. I think I'm done... >.>
1. I damned people to hell today. It was fun.
2. Matty is simply the older brother type. He seems like the type who'd let his sister run out crying, then sigh and go see what the hell happened and if he could shoot the guy who'd done it to her. But he'd do it very casually.
3. Sometimes I mix reality and my own little world. I swear, everytime I go to sleep I instantly feel Matty behind me, lying next to me so I feel safe. I'm sure some night I'll be at a sleepover, and I'll wake everyone up because I'll being crying out pitifully for Matty or Haru or Momiji or whomever I can't find in my dream. I hope someone tries to mess with my dreams at the next sleepover.
4. I'd like to rant at those who send on pass-ons:
Do you HONESTLY think that whoevers up there/down there/in outer space judging us is going to go: "Holy crap! They didn't send on a passon! I think I'll crash their car now. Whoosh!~" ?
Of course not. It's as ludicrious as the people who pray for luck in gambling and sports. Sure, pray for the skills needed to preform these tasks, but don't pray about the outcome. I find it hard to beilieve whoevers up there/down there/sitting on a rainbow seriously cares about our mortal sports. Unless you're part of some weird cult. Then maybe your 'God' does. I don't know. I don't care. But seriously, luck is luck is luck. I have bad luck- sending on a pass on will not make Kuroda come to my house, confess his love, and kiss me. It just ain't happening that way. If he does, then it's of his own accord (Inner: OH SWEET GOD YES). Inner me, please shut the fuck up now.
5. Yes, your delicate Kiyo cusses. When she's pissed. Shut the hell up and get over it.
6. She also cusses when embarressed. That or she just leaves. Seriously.
7. No, I don't like Near. No, I don't hate Near. I just don't like him as much as I possibly could, because I started out with a preference for Mels. When you like Mels, it's hard to also like Near. And since my Matty is Mels cohort, the desicion for me was obvious.
8. I think I'm done... >.>
Sunday, December 21, 2008
A couple little things
1. The holidays are here! I'm so happy! And hyper! Yeah!
2. Pandora is so nice. :3 Too bad my headphones seem to have broken. D:
3. Matty (Mail "Matt" Jeevas) is my favorite brother now. Yeah, yeah, sorry Hika-nii, Kaoru-nii, Haru-nii, Kanky-nii, and Gaa-otouto. He's just too cool.
4. On the topic of Matty, Matt-Mello fluff is my new addiction. (My new chocolate, you could say. *winks at DN fans*)
5. Also on the topic of Matty (sort of >.>), I have always been comforted by the feeling of someone I'm related to (and, on rare occasions, people I like. This hasn't happened yet, but I guess I'd be ok with it sometime) lying down next to me when I fall asleep, or I like it when I'm waking up. I think this is where parts of several dreams have stemmed from.
A. Once, when waking up in a dream, I was between the Hitachiin twins. Since they're two of my nii-sans, I was fine with this.
B. Another time, I was scared near the end of a dream, when I was supposed to 'go to sleep'. I managed to get Haru-nii to lay down next to me. (Hey, he's like, a black belt, right? I'd feel safer!)
C. Here's the part where Matty comes in (no, I will NOT stop calling him Matty. He's my nii-san, and it's a term of endearment. Get over it). When 'waking up' in a dream that I had about 30 minutes ago, when I had a nap (stfu, seriously), I felt someone next to me in the big (ok, PLAIN) white bed. I rolled over, and Matty was there, curved so that he was as near to me as possible without waking me up. I reached out and touched his cheek, whereupon he woke up, and laughed embarressedly. I told him something like "That's ok, Matty, it's ok if you fell asleep. I was the one who asked you to protect me." He nodded and ruffled my hair, then stood up and walked into the other room (sort of a living room place). Attached to that was a kitchen, then another room with 2 single beds, one for Matty and one for Mels (so he's not my nii-san. But Matty convinced Mels (Mihael "Mello" Keehl) not to kill me for calling him Mels, since Matty himself is allowed to call him Mel, and it's not that different). That was pretty much where the actual dream ended, when I reached the door and saw what the place looked like.
Edit: I just realized something I should REALLY mention: everytime this happens, they are wearing their comPLETE normal outfits (ok, so the twins were in PJ's. Bite me. They were still wearing shirts and pants and stuff). There was NO INCEST INVOLVED. Geez. Perversion today.
2. Pandora is so nice. :3 Too bad my headphones seem to have broken. D:
3. Matty (Mail "Matt" Jeevas) is my favorite brother now. Yeah, yeah, sorry Hika-nii, Kaoru-nii, Haru-nii, Kanky-nii, and Gaa-otouto. He's just too cool.
4. On the topic of Matty, Matt-Mello fluff is my new addiction. (My new chocolate, you could say. *winks at DN fans*)
5. Also on the topic of Matty (sort of >.>), I have always been comforted by the feeling of someone I'm related to (and, on rare occasions, people I like. This hasn't happened yet, but I guess I'd be ok with it sometime) lying down next to me when I fall asleep, or I like it when I'm waking up. I think this is where parts of several dreams have stemmed from.
A. Once, when waking up in a dream, I was between the Hitachiin twins. Since they're two of my nii-sans, I was fine with this.
B. Another time, I was scared near the end of a dream, when I was supposed to 'go to sleep'. I managed to get Haru-nii to lay down next to me. (Hey, he's like, a black belt, right? I'd feel safer!)
C. Here's the part where Matty comes in (no, I will NOT stop calling him Matty. He's my nii-san, and it's a term of endearment. Get over it). When 'waking up' in a dream that I had about 30 minutes ago, when I had a nap (stfu, seriously), I felt someone next to me in the big (ok, PLAIN) white bed. I rolled over, and Matty was there, curved so that he was as near to me as possible without waking me up. I reached out and touched his cheek, whereupon he woke up, and laughed embarressedly. I told him something like "That's ok, Matty, it's ok if you fell asleep. I was the one who asked you to protect me." He nodded and ruffled my hair, then stood up and walked into the other room (sort of a living room place). Attached to that was a kitchen, then another room with 2 single beds, one for Matty and one for Mels (so he's not my nii-san. But Matty convinced Mels (Mihael "Mello" Keehl) not to kill me for calling him Mels, since Matty himself is allowed to call him Mel, and it's not that different). That was pretty much where the actual dream ended, when I reached the door and saw what the place looked like.
Edit: I just realized something I should REALLY mention: everytime this happens, they are wearing their comPLETE normal outfits (ok, so the twins were in PJ's. Bite me. They were still wearing shirts and pants and stuff). There was NO INCEST INVOLVED. Geez. Perversion today.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Getting a wee bit ahead of myself
I keep thinking of titles for a autobiography I would write someday. Here are a few:
I've met fate, and she's not short- just funsized
I've met fate, and they're all problem children
Seven Angels and Me
Destiny talks tough while Fate goes crazy
The angel on my shoulder kicks my head
A lot of these refer to fate and destiny as humans. That's cause, well, they are. Here's the breakdown:
The first one refers to Jet-san, and her motto (I'm not short I'm funsized).
The second refers to our little group: Jet, Nara and Hana, the hyperactive ones, Kisa, who sortof gets shunted aside (sorry Kisa-san!), Sasa, who is distinctly bipolar (You said it, not me!), Sempai, who is... Sempai, and Kuroda, who I'm sure got dropped on his head multiple times as a child. Hey, just cause I like the boy doesn't mean I can't speak my mind about him. It also refers to Yuki's comment that the student government being made up of problem children, the biggest one being him. Same goes here: I have issues even I don't know about.
The third refers again to our group, since even with all the trouble we go through, all of them are still my angels.
The fourth refers to Jet (as Destiny) and Hana (as fate). Both are infamous for those traits- Jet uses the blunt approach, while Hana goes hyper easily.
The fifth refers once again to Jet- she, at times, is the angel on my shoulder. There were budget cuts, I guess- she's also my devil. Sometimes I need to keep HER out of trouble. I think I need a new angel.
I've met fate, and she's not short- just funsized
I've met fate, and they're all problem children
Seven Angels and Me
Destiny talks tough while Fate goes crazy
The angel on my shoulder kicks my head
A lot of these refer to fate and destiny as humans. That's cause, well, they are. Here's the breakdown:
The first one refers to Jet-san, and her motto (I'm not short I'm funsized).
The second refers to our little group: Jet, Nara and Hana, the hyperactive ones, Kisa, who sortof gets shunted aside (sorry Kisa-san!), Sasa, who is distinctly bipolar (You said it, not me!), Sempai, who is... Sempai, and Kuroda, who I'm sure got dropped on his head multiple times as a child. Hey, just cause I like the boy doesn't mean I can't speak my mind about him. It also refers to Yuki's comment that the student government being made up of problem children, the biggest one being him. Same goes here: I have issues even I don't know about.
The third refers again to our group, since even with all the trouble we go through, all of them are still my angels.
The fourth refers to Jet (as Destiny) and Hana (as fate). Both are infamous for those traits- Jet uses the blunt approach, while Hana goes hyper easily.
The fifth refers once again to Jet- she, at times, is the angel on my shoulder. There were budget cuts, I guess- she's also my devil. Sometimes I need to keep HER out of trouble. I think I need a new angel.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
More Ramblings
More random questions. To make this 'ramblings', not just questions, I say this- the "Gummy Bear Song" is very creepy in my opinion. Eek!
Do you have any pets? Yup, 4. Sparky-neko, Storm-inu, Emma and Inky.
What color shirt are you wearing? Black with pink/red/white rhinestones in a heart shape.
Name three things that are physically close to you: pillow, backpack, manga
What is the last book you read? If manga counts, then FMA 15. if not, then L8r, g8r.
Are you or were you a good student? Yup!~
What's your favorite sport? Baseball, prolly.
Do you enjoy sleeping late? Yep!
What's the weather like right now? Cold, but not snowing. ><
Who tells the best jokes? Um, I guess Ryuu.
What was the last thing you dreamed about? ....*blushes profusely* Kuroda... *is mortified*
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Nope.
Do you believe in karma? Not really.
Do you believe in luck? Kinda.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up? Scrambled all the way!
Do you collect anything? If so, what? I guess stuffed animals counts. Oh! Rabbit things. They remind me of Momiji, which reminds me of Hunny, which in turn reminds me of L, and because I've been thinking of those guys, my mind automaticly goes to Al. It's a bishie chain!
Are you proud of yourself? Not really, eh hehe.
Are you reliable? Yes, I think I am.
Have you ever given money to a bum? Yeah, around Christmas last year. Technicly, my brother did, but I was with him. Ryuu said, "I don't care if he's going to spend it on drugs, even if the sign says it's for a sandwich. He needs something to get him through the holidays." Ryuu acts tough, but he's a real softie!
What's your favorite food? Cheesecake.
Have you ever had a secret admirer? No, but I do have a not-so-secret creep.
Do you like the smell of gasoline? NO.
Do like to draw? yep~
What's your favorite invention? Uh...
Is your room messy? YES
What do you like better: oranges or apples? Apples
Do you give in easily? Depends on what it is.
Are you a good guesser? Yup.
Can you read other people's expressions? Sometimes. Sometimes people perfect a "Yamani face", though, and I can't tell.
Are you a bully? No!
Do you have a job? Er, no.
What time did you wake up this morning? Around 6:30.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal.
When was the last time you showered? About ten minutes ago.
What do you plan on doing tomorrow? Go to school :(
What's your favorite day of the week and why? Friday, it leads into the weekend.
Do you have any nicknames? Kiyo, Temari, "That one", "the violent girl"
Have you ever been scuba diving? Not yet
What's your least favorite color? Neon yellow. Ew.
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who? Yes, my Kuroda-san.
Would you ever go skydiving? No. No no no no no.
What toothpaste do you use? Crest
Do you enjoy challenges? Yep!
What's the worst injury you have had? Does diabetes count?
What's the last movie you saw? Wall-E
What do you want to know about the future? Will I ever date Kuroda?
What does your last text message say? I was chatting with Sasa earlier...
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to? ...Anna?
What's your favorite school subject? Math
What's your least favorite school subject? Health
Would you rather have money or love? Love.
What is your dream vacation? Hawaii, baby!
What is your favorite animal? Wolf
Do you miss anyone right now? ...My Kuroda-san.
What's the last sporting event you watched? I don't even remember.
Do you need to do laundry? Nope.
Do you listen to the radio? sometimes.
Where were you when 9/11 happened? In school, kindergarten.
What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Kick it. Repeatedly. Until someone pulls me away.
Have you ever caught a butterfly? No, sadly.
What color are your bed sheets? Blue? Maybe?
What's your ringtone? Don't gotta cell phone.
Who was the last person to make you laugh? Tsukiko. She's a new friend of mine. :)
Do you have any obsessions right now? Many. Many many.
Do you like things that glow in the dark? yeah!
What's your favorite fruity scent? Citrus of all kinds~
Do you watch cartoons? Uh, YEAH!
Have you ever sat on a roof? Don't I wish.
Have you ever been to a different country? Nope.
Name three things in the world you dislike: Bad anime-look a likes (Kappa Mikey, for instance), people who spoil stories for me (*sob sob L-san sob*), People who mock me (can I get a death note book? Please? I'll spend my life in limbo for it!!!)
Name three people in the world you dislike: Mrs RB, Ju Chan, Cilas. (Kibaek, Mallory (hope ya get hit by a bus, sweetheart!), Adam F, Adam E...)
Has a rumor even been spread about you? Yeah
Do you like sushi? Extremely
Do you believe in magic? Of course
Do you hold grudges? Yes.
Do you have any pets? Yup, 4. Sparky-neko, Storm-inu, Emma and Inky.
What color shirt are you wearing? Black with pink/red/white rhinestones in a heart shape.
Name three things that are physically close to you: pillow, backpack, manga
What is the last book you read? If manga counts, then FMA 15. if not, then L8r, g8r.
Are you or were you a good student? Yup!~
What's your favorite sport? Baseball, prolly.
Do you enjoy sleeping late? Yep!
What's the weather like right now? Cold, but not snowing. ><
Who tells the best jokes? Um, I guess Ryuu.
What was the last thing you dreamed about? ....*blushes profusely* Kuroda... *is mortified*
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Nope.
Do you believe in karma? Not really.
Do you believe in luck? Kinda.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up? Scrambled all the way!
Do you collect anything? If so, what? I guess stuffed animals counts. Oh! Rabbit things. They remind me of Momiji, which reminds me of Hunny, which in turn reminds me of L, and because I've been thinking of those guys, my mind automaticly goes to Al. It's a bishie chain!
Are you proud of yourself? Not really, eh hehe.
Are you reliable? Yes, I think I am.
Have you ever given money to a bum? Yeah, around Christmas last year. Technicly, my brother did, but I was with him. Ryuu said, "I don't care if he's going to spend it on drugs, even if the sign says it's for a sandwich. He needs something to get him through the holidays." Ryuu acts tough, but he's a real softie!
What's your favorite food? Cheesecake.
Have you ever had a secret admirer? No, but I do have a not-so-secret creep.
Do you like the smell of gasoline? NO.
Do like to draw? yep~
What's your favorite invention? Uh...
Is your room messy? YES
What do you like better: oranges or apples? Apples
Do you give in easily? Depends on what it is.
Are you a good guesser? Yup.
Can you read other people's expressions? Sometimes. Sometimes people perfect a "Yamani face", though, and I can't tell.
Are you a bully? No!
Do you have a job? Er, no.
What time did you wake up this morning? Around 6:30.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal.
When was the last time you showered? About ten minutes ago.
What do you plan on doing tomorrow? Go to school :(
What's your favorite day of the week and why? Friday, it leads into the weekend.
Do you have any nicknames? Kiyo, Temari, "That one", "the violent girl"
Have you ever been scuba diving? Not yet
What's your least favorite color? Neon yellow. Ew.
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who? Yes, my Kuroda-san.
Would you ever go skydiving? No. No no no no no.
What toothpaste do you use? Crest
Do you enjoy challenges? Yep!
What's the worst injury you have had? Does diabetes count?
What's the last movie you saw? Wall-E
What do you want to know about the future? Will I ever date Kuroda?
What does your last text message say? I was chatting with Sasa earlier...
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to? ...Anna?
What's your favorite school subject? Math
What's your least favorite school subject? Health
Would you rather have money or love? Love.
What is your dream vacation? Hawaii, baby!
What is your favorite animal? Wolf
Do you miss anyone right now? ...My Kuroda-san.
What's the last sporting event you watched? I don't even remember.
Do you need to do laundry? Nope.
Do you listen to the radio? sometimes.
Where were you when 9/11 happened? In school, kindergarten.
What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Kick it. Repeatedly. Until someone pulls me away.
Have you ever caught a butterfly? No, sadly.
What color are your bed sheets? Blue? Maybe?
What's your ringtone? Don't gotta cell phone.
Who was the last person to make you laugh? Tsukiko. She's a new friend of mine. :)
Do you have any obsessions right now? Many. Many many.
Do you like things that glow in the dark? yeah!
What's your favorite fruity scent? Citrus of all kinds~
Do you watch cartoons? Uh, YEAH!
Have you ever sat on a roof? Don't I wish.
Have you ever been to a different country? Nope.
Name three things in the world you dislike: Bad anime-look a likes (Kappa Mikey, for instance), people who spoil stories for me (*sob sob L-san sob*), People who mock me (can I get a death note book? Please? I'll spend my life in limbo for it!!!)
Name three people in the world you dislike: Mrs RB, Ju Chan, Cilas. (Kibaek, Mallory (hope ya get hit by a bus, sweetheart!), Adam F, Adam E...)
Has a rumor even been spread about you? Yeah
Do you like sushi? Extremely
Do you believe in magic? Of course
Do you hold grudges? Yes.
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