Let me regale you with a story- completely true, but from an outsiders point of view.
She stood outside the school with the other kids. Her eyes either scoped the world around her, wide and terrified, or look with stony grimness at the sidewalk beneath her feet. Pushed inside in the frenzy, she finally makes it to her locker. Fighting her way upstream, she gets to the library, to pay her fine and pick up two books. Then she heads to her first period class right before the bell rings. She can loosen slightly there- pretend to ignore the boy next to her, when really, she's getting more embarressed by the second as he insults her books- her world, in her opinion. After that, in second period, the same boy sits in front of her. When he starts tossing bits of paper towel, she can't take it anymore. She stands up, calmly walks over to him, and puts her hand on his shoulder. "You're interrupting our studies. Please stop." She starts to go back, then adds, "You arrogant prat." The next class, she stays silent, thriving by being unseen. The next class is read for fun- she only gets this once a week, and loves it. The silence is beautiful, the concentration is wonderous. She finishes those books from the library and starts again on her big novel, the one she's halfway through. After that she goes to her next class, and nearly falls asleep. She got to sleep late the night before. Next is lunch, where she nearly gives up hope on humanity when she finds that the seat of her chair has broken off. While waiting for the teacher, she trudges up to the lunch line, where she surveys the room with dull eyes. Suddenly, her eyes widen as though seeing a miracle for the thousandth time and she still can't beleive it. She smiles with instant releive as a black haired, black eyed girl comes happily towards her. For once she can relax, and talk with someone she KNOWS won't mock her for real. The others hate her for being so different, and try to mock it out of her. But the black haired girl is different. She protects her. More than the fact that the other girl has friends, the brunette marvels at how it is SHE who gets the black haired girl over at her house for sleepovers, SHE who gets to go trick or treating with her. How lucky, she tells herself, she is. After that comes gym- she tries to avoid getting in the way like yesterday. Today, her failing is much less- she only missed one pass, disregarding the fact that only one pass was aimed at her. After that she tries to get her story in order, tries to ignore the pencil markings that show her mistakes, tries to think of them as encouragement instead of insults. Finally, she gets to last period, and nearly falls asleep again, simply because she has nothing else really to do, as she doesn't get picked (nor WANTS to get picked) for improve games. When the bell rings on this last period, she hurries to her locker, yanks out her bag, and rushes to her safe haven. She wishes she had more time- if this were any other Thursday, she would be curled up either in the beanbags or in the back room, resting humbly with old friends- Piro and Kimiko, Hanajima and Momiji. She'd be rating their performance- 5 of 5, 5 of 5, yes get more. But today is not that day- so instead, she grabs two volumes of MegaTokyo, one of Inuyasha (just to see what it's like), checks them out, and flies out the door. She reaches the High School next door, where her father isn't there, so she waits for half an hour for him to get there, and drive home. Tommorrow, she will start the cycle again- she will still be stressed, still be terrified of the school and other people. She will still be amazed that the black haired girl comes to talk to her, of all people, and she will still relax with Piro and Kimiko, maybe Hanajima and Momiji. She will still be the strong faced girl with the weak willed heart.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Da da da daaaaaaaaa DAAAAAAAAAAAA~
What is this, the Kuroda saga? Once again, Kuroda-san was in my dream. This time, it didn't interrupt the dream, though, it just was the dream. I think this is what comes from reading too much Shoujo before bed. (Note: Shoujo=girls manga) Namely, Ouran. Namely, the date between Haruhi and Hikaru.
So, I was at the door to a cozy little bookshop I have never seen before (there were candles everywhere. YAY!), with my Mum. Suddenly, Kuroda was walking past, and then Mum said, "Hey, how about you shop with him?", pulling Kuroda out of the crowd. His face had this look like 'WTF?', while I thought 'Gee thanks, Mum." So she left us, vanishing into the crowd. Together, we walked into the book store. He instantly wandered off, leaving me very releived. I sank into this armchair, and stared at the shelf in front of me, thinking of nothing in particular. I glanced back several times, to see him browsing a shelf farther back. I turned back to my shelf, blushing, and the dream ended. I think I saw Ouran on the shelf, btw.
So, I was at the door to a cozy little bookshop I have never seen before (there were candles everywhere. YAY!), with my Mum. Suddenly, Kuroda was walking past, and then Mum said, "Hey, how about you shop with him?", pulling Kuroda out of the crowd. His face had this look like 'WTF?', while I thought 'Gee thanks, Mum." So she left us, vanishing into the crowd. Together, we walked into the book store. He instantly wandered off, leaving me very releived. I sank into this armchair, and stared at the shelf in front of me, thinking of nothing in particular. I glanced back several times, to see him browsing a shelf farther back. I turned back to my shelf, blushing, and the dream ended. I think I saw Ouran on the shelf, btw.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I'm so bored!~
Ok, I'm in the church basment on the lappie, again, listening to Seranade, thinking, "I really wanna answer more random questions!" Taking it into my own hands, I went to go find more! XD
1. First name - Kiyoko
2. Were you named after anyone? I did name myself, in this case. But I named myself after the foreign exchange student who lived in my parents house's sister. The two are Akiko (foriegn exchange student) and Kiyoko (her sister). I REALLY wanna see them again, because they're so nice to me. I still have Kimono! Last time I saw them, one of their gifts was a little doll with auburn hair wearing a kimono. I was 5 or so, so with no knowledge of Japanese names and feeling English names wouldn't be pretty enough (a salute to my early days of Japanese fanaticism), I named her after the Japanese clothes she was wearing- the Kimono.
3. When did you last cry? Probably yesterday or the day before. But this is a good sign, me not being able to remember. It means I'm crying less.
4. Do you like your handwriting? Yep! Everyone says it's so neat! I'm just like "...really?" I'm so oblivious to myself! XD
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Ham, I guess! (<-- barely eats sandwiches)
6. Kids? Nope!~
7. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably. I like the way I am, contrary to popular beleive. Also, contrary to popular beleive, I am a Drama Queen at times.
8. Do you have a journal? Yes- I don't know how many!
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Maaaaaaaaaaybe. *shifty eyes*
10. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
11. Would you bungee jump? Hell no. (<-- scaredy cat)
12. What is your favorite cereal? Smart Start cereal! Half the time I love junk food, half the time I'm a total health nut! Ja!~
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope!
14. Do you think you are strong? Strong willed, but weak muscled. I have SDTGS- Self Diagnosed Techno Geek Syndrome. Though as Papa said- all I actually do is surf, I couldn't tell you how to do anything.
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Mint Chocolate Chip!
16. Shoe size - 7 to 8
17. Red or pink? Red.
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Most of my looks, esp my face. But I do like my eyes, they're quite pretty. As to my personality, definitely my temper!
19. Who do you miss the most? Pets who have died, my aunt who died of cancer, Kiyoko and Akiko (not dead, but in Japan) and, of course, Kuroda-san. (Who, by the way, was NOT in my dream last night, to my severe dissapointment. I was hoping it would be episode 2 of that dream.)
20. Do you want everyone to send this back to you? Send?
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black SKIRT, no shoes.
22. Last thing you ate? Cherry Tic-tacs. I really am addicted to Tic-tacs!!
23. What are you listening to right now? Fruits Basket's "Serenade"
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Some shade of green, maybe forest.
25. Favorite smell? Pastry of any sort, anything that reminds me of favorite people. (ie; Cupcakes remind me of Momiji, while Cake itself reminds me of Hunny-chan, who I share a birthday with, incidentally.)
26. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Mum, probably. I rarely use the phone.
27. The first thing you notice about people you are attracted to? Whatever part about them that first comes into view the first time I see them. However, if I wasn't instantly attracted to them, it's their personality. (See: Kiba and Momiji. No, I did NOT instantly like either. (<--Another little known fact))
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I don't know them. XD
29. Favorite drinks? Tea, Anything warm, really. Kiyo likes warm things!
30. Favorite sport? Basketball and Baseball, I guess. If I know how to play the game, chances are I like it more.
31. Eye color? Blue-grey
32. Hat size? I don't know! ><
33. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
34. Favorite food? Spaghetti, or maybe alfredo.
35. Last movie you watched at home (a VHS or DVD that you own)? Harry Potter 5 (I think)
36. Last movie you watched at the theater? Wall-E (again, I think)
37. What color shirt are you wearing? Black. I felt like wearing all black today, so tadah!~
38. Summer or Winter? Winter (despite my love o warmth, I still like Winter best!)
39. Hugs or kisses? Hugs.
40. Favorite dessert? Cheesecake!
41. Who is most likely to respond? Probably Jet, if she reads this.
42. Least likely to? The President XD
43. What books are you reading? "l8tr, G8tr"
44. What’s on your mousepad? No mousepad (I'm probably going to wreck my mouse someday)
45. What did you watch last night on TV? Two and a Half Men
46. Favorite sounds? The forest and the ocean
47. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
48. Furthest you’ve been from home? Maine
49. What’s your special talent? Understanding animals in general.
50. When and where were you born? Feb 28, no clue what time, 1996, St Francis Hospital. I moved one year later, so good luck finding me~
51. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? Someone gave me a love note, but I didn't like the kid, who was annoying. So I ripped it up. I was in Kindergarten at the time. I was so cruel! But the kid got over it, still asking me to be his girlfriend. Yes, Kindergarten, both of us.
52. What was your proudest childhood moment? Sticking up for myself and friends.
53. Stay home or go out? Stay home
54. Favorite movie? A lot of them, but probably Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
1. First name - Kiyoko
2. Were you named after anyone? I did name myself, in this case. But I named myself after the foreign exchange student who lived in my parents house's sister. The two are Akiko (foriegn exchange student) and Kiyoko (her sister). I REALLY wanna see them again, because they're so nice to me. I still have Kimono! Last time I saw them, one of their gifts was a little doll with auburn hair wearing a kimono. I was 5 or so, so with no knowledge of Japanese names and feeling English names wouldn't be pretty enough (a salute to my early days of Japanese fanaticism), I named her after the Japanese clothes she was wearing- the Kimono.
3. When did you last cry? Probably yesterday or the day before. But this is a good sign, me not being able to remember. It means I'm crying less.
4. Do you like your handwriting? Yep! Everyone says it's so neat! I'm just like "...really?" I'm so oblivious to myself! XD
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Ham, I guess! (<-- barely eats sandwiches)
6. Kids? Nope!~
7. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably. I like the way I am, contrary to popular beleive. Also, contrary to popular beleive, I am a Drama Queen at times.
8. Do you have a journal? Yes- I don't know how many!
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Maaaaaaaaaaybe. *shifty eyes*
10. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
11. Would you bungee jump? Hell no. (<-- scaredy cat)
12. What is your favorite cereal? Smart Start cereal! Half the time I love junk food, half the time I'm a total health nut! Ja!~
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope!
14. Do you think you are strong? Strong willed, but weak muscled. I have SDTGS- Self Diagnosed Techno Geek Syndrome. Though as Papa said- all I actually do is surf, I couldn't tell you how to do anything.
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Mint Chocolate Chip!
16. Shoe size - 7 to 8
17. Red or pink? Red.
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Most of my looks, esp my face. But I do like my eyes, they're quite pretty. As to my personality, definitely my temper!
19. Who do you miss the most? Pets who have died, my aunt who died of cancer, Kiyoko and Akiko (not dead, but in Japan) and, of course, Kuroda-san. (Who, by the way, was NOT in my dream last night, to my severe dissapointment. I was hoping it would be episode 2 of that dream.)
20. Do you want everyone to send this back to you? Send?
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black SKIRT, no shoes.
22. Last thing you ate? Cherry Tic-tacs. I really am addicted to Tic-tacs!!
23. What are you listening to right now? Fruits Basket's "Serenade"
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Some shade of green, maybe forest.
25. Favorite smell? Pastry of any sort, anything that reminds me of favorite people. (ie; Cupcakes remind me of Momiji, while Cake itself reminds me of Hunny-chan, who I share a birthday with, incidentally.)
26. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Mum, probably. I rarely use the phone.
27. The first thing you notice about people you are attracted to? Whatever part about them that first comes into view the first time I see them. However, if I wasn't instantly attracted to them, it's their personality. (See: Kiba and Momiji. No, I did NOT instantly like either. (<--Another little known fact))
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I don't know them. XD
29. Favorite drinks? Tea, Anything warm, really. Kiyo likes warm things!
30. Favorite sport? Basketball and Baseball, I guess. If I know how to play the game, chances are I like it more.
31. Eye color? Blue-grey
32. Hat size? I don't know! ><
33. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
34. Favorite food? Spaghetti, or maybe alfredo.
35. Last movie you watched at home (a VHS or DVD that you own)? Harry Potter 5 (I think)
36. Last movie you watched at the theater? Wall-E (again, I think)
37. What color shirt are you wearing? Black. I felt like wearing all black today, so tadah!~
38. Summer or Winter? Winter (despite my love o warmth, I still like Winter best!)
39. Hugs or kisses? Hugs.
40. Favorite dessert? Cheesecake!
41. Who is most likely to respond? Probably Jet, if she reads this.
42. Least likely to? The President XD
43. What books are you reading? "l8tr, G8tr"
44. What’s on your mousepad? No mousepad (I'm probably going to wreck my mouse someday)
45. What did you watch last night on TV? Two and a Half Men
46. Favorite sounds? The forest and the ocean
47. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
48. Furthest you’ve been from home? Maine
49. What’s your special talent? Understanding animals in general.
50. When and where were you born? Feb 28, no clue what time, 1996, St Francis Hospital. I moved one year later, so good luck finding me~
51. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? Someone gave me a love note, but I didn't like the kid, who was annoying. So I ripped it up. I was in Kindergarten at the time. I was so cruel! But the kid got over it, still asking me to be his girlfriend. Yes, Kindergarten, both of us.
52. What was your proudest childhood moment? Sticking up for myself and friends.
53. Stay home or go out? Stay home
54. Favorite movie? A lot of them, but probably Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Dreams
Ok, my dream last night started off as normally as any other- talking with my brother, then we went and did something weird (threw rocks in this lake and when we ran out of rock it had turned into my living room). But then, suddenly, I was in the big social room in my church, at a table across from my friend Em. Suddenly, Kuroda walked in, and sat next to me. Em continued to talk, but I instantly shut up, which is kind of my campaign against his wanting to leave currently (besides, I'd probably spout gibberish anyways). Suddenly, when Em stopped to breathe, he said "I'm thinking about going to Julliard." I thought, 'No shit, sherlock.' But then he said. "I know you don't want to say it because it might ruin our friendship, but- I love you." I stopped thinking at that moment. Then the strangest, coolest, part of all started. Kuroda is a very good singer- he's very musicly talented. While I was sitting there, blushing and staring at the table, I heard from beside me, "Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why, without you it's hard to survive," Exactly the way it was sung in the song. I looked up, blushing redder than ever.
"Everytime we touch I get this feeling, everytime we kiss I swear I could fly," I slowly joined in, until the two of us were singing in harmony (yes, we were both still sitting in our original seats, and yes, Em was still there) . Note- I have not heard this song in completion for over a year, minus the time spent listening to it writing this, but that was after the dream. HOW I knew all the lyrics, I have no clue. Once the song was over, he seemed to dissappear- he was walking for the door, but I lost sight of him before he reached it, despite the fact it was only the three of us in the room. (ALSO NOTE- Kuroda and I have NEVER kissed, so how THAT song was chosen for my dream, I have no clue.)
Then it went back to normal dream- in a large, empty-warehouse style room, my Science teacher was getting us to smuggle things out, and there was a white walled in section that I thought was a maze and turned out to hold bunks for us, "for when the superindentent came" or ome nonsense like that. Ah well, at least I got a top bunk to myself, whereas most people were 4 people on a 2 person bunk. Interestingly enough, in the dream I laid down to sleep- then woke up,
"Everytime we touch I get this feeling, everytime we kiss I swear I could fly," I slowly joined in, until the two of us were singing in harmony (yes, we were both still sitting in our original seats, and yes, Em was still there) . Note- I have not heard this song in completion for over a year, minus the time spent listening to it writing this, but that was after the dream. HOW I knew all the lyrics, I have no clue. Once the song was over, he seemed to dissappear- he was walking for the door, but I lost sight of him before he reached it, despite the fact it was only the three of us in the room. (ALSO NOTE- Kuroda and I have NEVER kissed, so how THAT song was chosen for my dream, I have no clue.)
Then it went back to normal dream- in a large, empty-warehouse style room, my Science teacher was getting us to smuggle things out, and there was a white walled in section that I thought was a maze and turned out to hold bunks for us, "for when the superindentent came" or ome nonsense like that. Ah well, at least I got a top bunk to myself, whereas most people were 4 people on a 2 person bunk. Interestingly enough, in the dream I laid down to sleep- then woke up,
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thinking time is bad
I've been thinking about it and I just realized that Kuroda is going to go to Julliard and fall in love with some super smart pianist and they'll become the new hit sensation and he'll forget he ever met the untalented Miss Kiyoko Matsuoka and I'll grow old alone and- *hypervenilates and faints*
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It's official.
It's official. I am going out of my mind over Kuroda. In 7th period today, I referenced him to the girl who sits next to me, and instantly slammed my head down on the desk and cried "I MISS HIM!" Gladly, no one else saw this, and the girl who did said "It'll be ok."
People understand.
But that's not enough- I need to know if he loves me too. It's driving me crazy, and every time I think of him, I start to cry. I can't stand it anymore! But I guess I'll have to deal. On another note...
*Looks at hands* These hands...
How many times have they helped?
How many times have they hurt?
How many times have they healed?
How many times have they held fragile trust, only to drop it by accident?
Here's one I can answer: How many times have they picked up the broken peices of my now extremely fragile heart? Twice.
I'm one of those that falls in love and doesn't let go. People don't understand.
Seasons go and Seasons come, steady as the beating drum. Love too right?
Wrong.
Dead, wrong.
People understand.
But that's not enough- I need to know if he loves me too. It's driving me crazy, and every time I think of him, I start to cry. I can't stand it anymore! But I guess I'll have to deal. On another note...
*Looks at hands* These hands...
How many times have they helped?
How many times have they hurt?
How many times have they healed?
How many times have they held fragile trust, only to drop it by accident?
Here's one I can answer: How many times have they picked up the broken peices of my now extremely fragile heart? Twice.
I'm one of those that falls in love and doesn't let go. People don't understand.
Seasons go and Seasons come, steady as the beating drum. Love too right?
Wrong.
Dead, wrong.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
After some deep thought
It's so simple to... to ignore flaws, in yourself and others. To ignore the confusing parts of life, to pretend they never happened. But... if you live that way, you only live a half-filled life. You miss some of the things that matter, some of those defining parts. If I ignored my obsession with Fruits Basket, or Oriental clothing, or oriental asian decor, would I be the same Kiyoko? I doubt it. I would be living a half-life, no better than a monster. It's a miracle... many people think it weird for me to be so serious at times, and call me freak, mock me, say they hate me. But I think of it as a miracle.
I am a loner. An outcast. A cat of the school. I was born to be mocked, taunted, despised, hated. I do my job dutifully- a silent punching bag. I take others anger and make it my pain. But I avoid letting that pain turn into recoil, and letting it hit others back. Because when that happens, they only hit harder. But as the cat found friends among those who hated him, I too have friends who occupy my heart. Sasate, Jet-san, Kisa, Hana, Nara... Kuroda.
And I get through my purpose each day, because at the end of it all, I go back to friends who love me, Nii-sans who care for me, a house where I can rest. And I should not be allowed to wish for more- surely, that's more than many people have. But I do wish for more, and that is for Kuroda to love me as I love him.
I really hope Kuroda doesn't know the link to my blog. If so, how embaressing!
I am a loner. An outcast. A cat of the school. I was born to be mocked, taunted, despised, hated. I do my job dutifully- a silent punching bag. I take others anger and make it my pain. But I avoid letting that pain turn into recoil, and letting it hit others back. Because when that happens, they only hit harder. But as the cat found friends among those who hated him, I too have friends who occupy my heart. Sasate, Jet-san, Kisa, Hana, Nara... Kuroda.
And I get through my purpose each day, because at the end of it all, I go back to friends who love me, Nii-sans who care for me, a house where I can rest. And I should not be allowed to wish for more- surely, that's more than many people have. But I do wish for more, and that is for Kuroda to love me as I love him.
I really hope Kuroda doesn't know the link to my blog. If so, how embaressing!
The things that slip the mind...
Did I honestly forget to mention that I've taken on Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin as my nii-sans (older brother)? Wow... you'd think I'd remember a thing like that! Kiyo out!~
Friday, October 17, 2008
Poor Jet-San
And I thought I had trouble! Poor Jet-san. Her friend is in love, and somehow got it in her messed up head that JET loved him. Since the boy is moving, she was tearfully asking Jet not to confess her love and run away with him. She's seen it in Manga, she says. For the record, I have never liked this girl. So now Jet's pissed at her.
Edit:
Roughly 2-2 1/2 hours
Mood: Nearly in tears
I think she's over it, for the simple reason of my extreme terror that she's trying to help. And she is. But listen to this...
We (Kuroda, Jet, and I) live in Virginia. I have, since 4th grade, loved Kuroda. You'll know that if you read further down. I asked what Kuroda likes tonight, for christmas and stuff. He said he was obsessed with 2 things, Night (another nickname of his) and Julliard.
I asked, "Julliard?" He sent me the link. *pauses and takes a shuddering breath* It's in New York. I nearly fainted. I learned it was a college, and so was slightly happier. Also, the tuition is monsterous, so he's not even sure if he'll go. I asked what high school he was going to, hoping I could go to the same one.
He said, a preforming arts school.
I said, so nothing local?
He said, hopefully.
I said, hopefully local or hopefully not?
He said, well, um...
I said, hopefully not, then...
He said he didn't like some people at his current school (not the same one I go to, or I'd be TOTALLY freaking)
I said, That makes sense.
He said, =(
I said, For the record? I'd hate it. So, like, don't go too far away.
Afterthough: Unless you really want to! Cause I can't stop you, or anything...That'd be selfish...
of...me...
He laughed, and I then said: But seriously, if you DO leave, you have to write EVERY day! And chat every day too! I won't have our friendship die, ok?!
He said, kk.
I'm so terrified that he'll leave and I'll never see him again! Someone save me! *starts crying again*
Edit:
Roughly 2-2 1/2 hours
Mood: Nearly in tears
I think she's over it, for the simple reason of my extreme terror that she's trying to help. And she is. But listen to this...
We (Kuroda, Jet, and I) live in Virginia. I have, since 4th grade, loved Kuroda. You'll know that if you read further down. I asked what Kuroda likes tonight, for christmas and stuff. He said he was obsessed with 2 things, Night (another nickname of his) and Julliard.
I asked, "Julliard?" He sent me the link. *pauses and takes a shuddering breath* It's in New York. I nearly fainted. I learned it was a college, and so was slightly happier. Also, the tuition is monsterous, so he's not even sure if he'll go. I asked what high school he was going to, hoping I could go to the same one.
He said, a preforming arts school.
I said, so nothing local?
He said, hopefully.
I said, hopefully local or hopefully not?
He said, well, um...
I said, hopefully not, then...
He said he didn't like some people at his current school (not the same one I go to, or I'd be TOTALLY freaking)
I said, That makes sense.
He said, =(
I said, For the record? I'd hate it. So, like, don't go too far away.
Afterthough: Unless you really want to! Cause I can't stop you, or anything...That'd be selfish...
of...me...
He laughed, and I then said: But seriously, if you DO leave, you have to write EVERY day! And chat every day too! I won't have our friendship die, ok?!
He said, kk.
I'm so terrified that he'll leave and I'll never see him again! Someone save me! *starts crying again*
Thursday, October 16, 2008
...
...GODDAMN FRICKING 'PERFECT' PEOPLE SHOULD GO GODDAMN FRICKIN DIE!
If you have read the previous posts, you should have figured out I went to Anime USA already, simply by seeing it was last weekend. Among the various merchandise, I bought a Momiji Bag, Momiji Pin, and Yuki plush. I put the pin on the bag, and clipped Yuki onto the bag (theres a loop coming off the rat hoodie he wears). Sometimes Yuki gets put inside the bag. Anywho, I carry it around EVERYWHERE. Including school. So I showed my friend Jessey. She loved it. So in History, I showed Hannah (not Hana, Hannah) the bag. She thought it was cute. I tried to show her Yuki:
"That's just scary."
I didn't take him out again till I got home.
Today, I was strengthend by the fact I worked up my courage and showed a girl in my 7th period him. She totally spazzed out, she thought he was so cute! So, feeling light hearted, I went to go read and rate manga for the manga commitee. Because I was in a back room, I didn't bother putting Yuki back in the bag. Instead, he sat smiling next to it. While the three of us (Jet, Sam, and I) read and rated manga, who comes in later but Hannah, with some boy I don't know. She sees my bag and stuff, points to it, points to me, and tells her companion:
"She's the obsessed one."
Oh
My
God.
I wanted to SCREAM. I wanted to yell, "I'm not a zoo animal! Do you think it's ok for you to talk like that to my face?! 'The obsessed one'- I've got a name! And maybe I carry it around cause it calms me! For your information, the ability to touch soft things- like a plushie- and fiddle with my necklace both calm me! Would you criticize me less if I carried around a polar bear? A cat? A dog? I think not! So I'll have my weird habits, you have yours! Unless, of course, that's why you think you have the RIGHT to criticize me- because you're not weird at all! I bet you think you're goddamn perfect! If you're so goddamn fricking perfect, why not leave us freaks alone? Now, if you excuse me-" insert slamming down of manga on the table here- "I have manga to rate."
But of course, instead I just said, "I haven't had time to leave him at home", even though that is in no way truth. But now, I feel totally offended.
By the way- there is a method to my madness. When I was over spilling with love and self esteem, (aka, pre middle school), both my RPG nii-sans were problem children- Gaara and Hatsuharu. (Yes, Haru counts.) Now, my latest nii-sans have an overabundance of love, and I continually make them show it. (Hikaru and Kaoru.) Doesn't this say something? I'll say from an observant, smart persons point of veiw:
When she was happy, she took on people who she felt needed love. She wanted to give them the love she felt they deserved. But there has to be a different reason for why she took on the Hitachiin twins, who are bursting with love. It seems that the equation has flipped. She no longer can give all her love away- she wants to be sure love hasn't dissapeared, that she can still take in the love she no longer gets from the once multitude of friends that has suddenly- drasticly- changed to only her few dearest. She wants to get that love from one source or another. That it's fictional, she no longer cares. It's a simple, yet desperate, silent outcry for love, the love that she feels is decreasing everyday. She was drawn to the first two by their lack of love, yet the silent yearning for it that only she felt. She was drawn to the second two because she wanted a part of that deep, deep love, a love everyone could see, so she could say at long last-
"See? People do love me, even if YOU don't!"
All she has ever wanted in this world are two things: Love, and never being forgotten. She could live the rest of her days surrounded by empty walls, if only her friends could come in, laugh with her, and let her feel the constant out pouring of love she desperately yearns for.
Um... that's it...
If you have read the previous posts, you should have figured out I went to Anime USA already, simply by seeing it was last weekend. Among the various merchandise, I bought a Momiji Bag, Momiji Pin, and Yuki plush. I put the pin on the bag, and clipped Yuki onto the bag (theres a loop coming off the rat hoodie he wears). Sometimes Yuki gets put inside the bag. Anywho, I carry it around EVERYWHERE. Including school. So I showed my friend Jessey. She loved it. So in History, I showed Hannah (not Hana, Hannah) the bag. She thought it was cute. I tried to show her Yuki:
"That's just scary."
I didn't take him out again till I got home.
Today, I was strengthend by the fact I worked up my courage and showed a girl in my 7th period him. She totally spazzed out, she thought he was so cute! So, feeling light hearted, I went to go read and rate manga for the manga commitee. Because I was in a back room, I didn't bother putting Yuki back in the bag. Instead, he sat smiling next to it. While the three of us (Jet, Sam, and I) read and rated manga, who comes in later but Hannah, with some boy I don't know. She sees my bag and stuff, points to it, points to me, and tells her companion:
"She's the obsessed one."
Oh
My
God.
I wanted to SCREAM. I wanted to yell, "I'm not a zoo animal! Do you think it's ok for you to talk like that to my face?! 'The obsessed one'- I've got a name! And maybe I carry it around cause it calms me! For your information, the ability to touch soft things- like a plushie- and fiddle with my necklace both calm me! Would you criticize me less if I carried around a polar bear? A cat? A dog? I think not! So I'll have my weird habits, you have yours! Unless, of course, that's why you think you have the RIGHT to criticize me- because you're not weird at all! I bet you think you're goddamn perfect! If you're so goddamn fricking perfect, why not leave us freaks alone? Now, if you excuse me-" insert slamming down of manga on the table here- "I have manga to rate."
But of course, instead I just said, "I haven't had time to leave him at home", even though that is in no way truth. But now, I feel totally offended.
By the way- there is a method to my madness. When I was over spilling with love and self esteem, (aka, pre middle school), both my RPG nii-sans were problem children- Gaara and Hatsuharu. (Yes, Haru counts.) Now, my latest nii-sans have an overabundance of love, and I continually make them show it. (Hikaru and Kaoru.) Doesn't this say something? I'll say from an observant, smart persons point of veiw:
When she was happy, she took on people who she felt needed love. She wanted to give them the love she felt they deserved. But there has to be a different reason for why she took on the Hitachiin twins, who are bursting with love. It seems that the equation has flipped. She no longer can give all her love away- she wants to be sure love hasn't dissapeared, that she can still take in the love she no longer gets from the once multitude of friends that has suddenly- drasticly- changed to only her few dearest. She wants to get that love from one source or another. That it's fictional, she no longer cares. It's a simple, yet desperate, silent outcry for love, the love that she feels is decreasing everyday. She was drawn to the first two by their lack of love, yet the silent yearning for it that only she felt. She was drawn to the second two because she wanted a part of that deep, deep love, a love everyone could see, so she could say at long last-
"See? People do love me, even if YOU don't!"
All she has ever wanted in this world are two things: Love, and never being forgotten. She could live the rest of her days surrounded by empty walls, if only her friends could come in, laugh with her, and let her feel the constant out pouring of love she desperately yearns for.
Um... that's it...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another Sad Night Spent Crying in a Comfy Green Chair
*eyes tear up*
*wails* I'm such a bad Kiyooooooooooooo! I haven't ever figured out if I like Kiba or Momiji better and I bring in another factor! Is it my fault I fall in love so often? I feel really bad, but what I feel for both Momiji and Hunny is so intense it really frightens me! It's not right to like Anime charecters like I do, but I really am on the verge of tears writing this.
Maybe it's because I always had unfailing love around me that I don't understand the importance of faithfulness. Maybe it's just a misprogramming in my brain. Or maybe... maybe it's protecting me from the real world. *starts crying in earnest* Twice I've kidded myself into thinking that another person might need me as much as I want them. Two other times I kidded myself into thinking myself in love with a person, because I wanted someone I could love. Once, and only once, have I ever had that net of security that is knowing I love a person and they love me back. Then we became friends, and I thought I didn't 'love' him anymore. At least, that's what I told people.
"You like Kuroda, right?"
"No, I don't!"
"Come off it, yes you do!"
"NO! No, I DON'T!!!"
Yes! Yes, I do! I haven't seen him in so long, I think of him almost every waking moment- and no one recognizes my anguish, because I don't want to burden them with my troubles. But thatis exactly what it is: anguish! Anguish at the lack of Kuroda! *sits up quickly* Not that I can tell Kuroda any of this, gods no. Not until I know if he still likes me. I don't want to ruin our friendship if he likes someone else. But still- If I don't tell someone directly soon, I'll do what Kisa Sohma did, and collaspe into a lightless, silent world.
Someone save me, please... my time is running out!
*wails* I'm such a bad Kiyooooooooooooo! I haven't ever figured out if I like Kiba or Momiji better and I bring in another factor! Is it my fault I fall in love so often? I feel really bad, but what I feel for both Momiji and Hunny is so intense it really frightens me! It's not right to like Anime charecters like I do, but I really am on the verge of tears writing this.
Maybe it's because I always had unfailing love around me that I don't understand the importance of faithfulness. Maybe it's just a misprogramming in my brain. Or maybe... maybe it's protecting me from the real world. *starts crying in earnest* Twice I've kidded myself into thinking that another person might need me as much as I want them. Two other times I kidded myself into thinking myself in love with a person, because I wanted someone I could love. Once, and only once, have I ever had that net of security that is knowing I love a person and they love me back. Then we became friends, and I thought I didn't 'love' him anymore. At least, that's what I told people.
"You like Kuroda, right?"
"No, I don't!"
"Come off it, yes you do!"
"NO! No, I DON'T!!!"
Yes! Yes, I do! I haven't seen him in so long, I think of him almost every waking moment- and no one recognizes my anguish, because I don't want to burden them with my troubles. But thatis exactly what it is: anguish! Anguish at the lack of Kuroda! *sits up quickly* Not that I can tell Kuroda any of this, gods no. Not until I know if he still likes me. I don't want to ruin our friendship if he likes someone else. But still- If I don't tell someone directly soon, I'll do what Kisa Sohma did, and collaspe into a lightless, silent world.
Someone save me, please... my time is running out!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Ouran High Host Club...
Here's my impressions of OHHC:
The tall blond one was cute looking at first, but he turned out to be a real prat
The orange-red haired ones simply creep me out
The one with messy black hair I don't know yet
The one with nice black hair has a bit of a superiority complex
The cute little blond one that the other blonde one catagorized as Loli-Shota reminds me of Momiji, and is therefore the only one in my good books so far.
All the people are so rich! *whines* They regard the tall blond as a hero for drinking instant coffee instead of ground coffee nuts! That's really weeeeeeeeird! But I promised Jet-san I'd watch it... More later, I suppose!
Edit: The two orange haired ones (Koaru and Hikaru- I can do this, I can I can!!!) made me think they were gay a minute ago. 'Brotherly Love' my butt! This was SO beyond that! (No, they did kiss, I'm glad to say.) I'm Scared! TT^TT
Edit: (These come every 2 min or so, btw) I will watch this... FOR HUNNY SEMPAI! He's so loli loli!!!! Kawaii!!! I, at least, love your bunny, Hunny-Sempai!!!
The tall blond one was cute looking at first, but he turned out to be a real prat
The orange-red haired ones simply creep me out
The one with messy black hair I don't know yet
The one with nice black hair has a bit of a superiority complex
The cute little blond one that the other blonde one catagorized as Loli-Shota reminds me of Momiji, and is therefore the only one in my good books so far.
All the people are so rich! *whines* They regard the tall blond as a hero for drinking instant coffee instead of ground coffee nuts! That's really weeeeeeeeird! But I promised Jet-san I'd watch it... More later, I suppose!
Edit: The two orange haired ones (Koaru and Hikaru- I can do this, I can I can!!!) made me think they were gay a minute ago. 'Brotherly Love' my butt! This was SO beyond that! (No, they did kiss, I'm glad to say.) I'm Scared! TT^TT
Edit: (These come every 2 min or so, btw) I will watch this... FOR HUNNY SEMPAI! He's so loli loli!!!! Kawaii!!! I, at least, love your bunny, Hunny-Sempai!!!
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