Kiyoko on Love

Today's topic is love. Such a broad topic.

PART I: Crushes

There comes a time when you realize: "Hey! This isn't a game!"
Ah, that double edged sword. You can take that simple statement many ways, but usually as one of two:
1. It's serious. And it is! But I'm not going to tell you to get married only for the sake of a legacy, hell no. But giving your love away to someone you don't actually love? Bad choice.
2. It's no time trial. That's what I'm really getting at. Love has no time limit. Earlier this evening, I was trying to think of ways to tell Kuroda I loved him without actually just going out and saying it. But then it dawned on me- I'll tell him when I tell him. It'll happen when it happens. Que sera, sera. I don't have to force myself to tell him- he wouldn't like that, either. He likes me for me, and he's one of the only ... 8? Maybe 9, who do. I have other friends, yes. But what THEY see is a dumbed down version of Kiyo- one who does NOT role play, one who is ABSOLUTELY normal, one who isn't even Kiyoko Matsuoka. They see the cold shadow of what I once was. Back on topic though, Kuroda was the first to crack through that shell. When I had a crush on Michael, I downplayed my true self. (This was a year before I met Kuroda, don't worry.) I tried to be cute, girly, like the popular kids. I wanted to be someone he would like. Not so with Kuroda. For some reason, I felt shy around him. Where I was bold with everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else, my voice grew quiet around him, I blushed easy and looked down alot, I even stuttered. When it came to ask partners for the Virginia Reel, I had to send a note through a friend. When he replied yes, my heart soared. I kept the note for as long as possible. I ended up dancing with someone else, though. They decided to choose our partners for us. If they hadn't, would things have been different? I think so. No one can know for sure. For a while, we were awkward around each other. I don't remember when we became friends- all I remember is saying plaintively, "Your friend doesn't like me." He replied, "What?". I said, "Sebastian. He doesn't like me." He said something like, "Oh, yeah." (after my first comment, everything gets fuzzy, so I'm trying to remember here. I DO remember the other boy, and what happened that led up to him hating me, and Kurodas confusion over the whole bit). We talked about a lot. I remember being nervous- I was NEVER nervous! Nervous was tests, nervous was doing my first dive. Nervous was not boys my age! Somewhere, he mentioned, or perhaps referenced, Harry Potter. I pointed that out, and we started talking more easily, getting more and more comfortable. Sometime the next year, I went to his house. We walked through the woods near his house. He apologized repeatedly at first because of the roughness. When I nearly sliced his shoulder with my bow, he realized I liked the roughness, so to hell with apologizing for it. We both loved book charecters; he made no secret of his crush on Hermione, then Luna, then some girl from Eragon. I, in turn, loved Bobby Pendragon, Artemis Fowl, and Domitan of Masbolle.
So, to make a long story short, I thought I didn't love him anymore.
Fuck that.
I thought I loved a boy named Paul. I will NOT go into that story again right now. But I realized soon enough that, like Michael, I hid the true me around him. Unlike the laughing, "Sorry! Sorry!"'s that came with hanging out around Kuroda, I increasingly mumbled, "I'm sorry, I'll do better, I'm sorry." To this day, my mind has been warped. I cannot see him for long periods of time. If I do I get more and more nervous until I explode in anger, flee the room, or burst into tears.
The boy I thought was my knight turned out to be a highway charlatan; the boy who seemed like the peasant turned out to be a knight on a white horse. Just goes to show.

PART II: Anime/Manga
Like I said, my mind is warped. And it is. I'm not going to lie or dumb it down. I mix reality with fiction. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because one of my fake brothers (and often, bishies) isn't there. For the record, the best way to deal with that is to tell me whoever it is:
A. Is on vacation
B. Told you to tell me that they'd be back soon
C. Is right here, stupid (then hand me an object semi-passible for the person; a bunny plush for Momiji, something really hard and big for Al. Like I said, semi-passible works- I'm asleep, remember?)
D. Isn't here right now, but oh, hey- he left me something so I can be comfortable (Anything leather/psuedo leather for Haru, A vest or portable game system for Matt. Improvise!).
I have a deep bond with all of the anime charecters I specificly mark out. Here are a few (including how the heck I'm related to them):
Haru: Brother. Easy going with a strange temper, I have problems with my love life (Maybe I'm more Rin >.>)
Hikaru: Brother. Hot temper when it comes to the person I love, extremely childish when it comes to that person.
Kaoru: I like to talk things out.

I'll finish this later. Maybe. Possibly? Dunno.