Well Plur.

I'm so pessimistic. I feel so inadequate, like I don't deserve, well, anyone. Heh. But for some reason, I'm not sad anymore, like I was last night. It's just turned into fact: Kiyo-chan does not deserve people. Kiyo-chan should simply stick to her animals. Kiyo-chan shouldn't afflict her presence on people. But Kiyo-chan, selfishly, does so anyways.

In other news, 324 MORE DAYS UNTIL HP 6 COMES OUT IN THEATERS!!! Yaaaaay, Number 6 has Ginny-san in it!

(Ginny Weasly, incidentally, happens to be my favorite charecter. Could you tell?)
...Wait. Who's going to play the charecters in the "Nineteen Years Later" epilouge? Will we see Teddy or Victoire? What color will Teddy's hair be, should we see him? Will they put the epilouge at all? How pissed will I be if they don't? The world needs to know!

Somebody cries, all the time...

And right now, the one crying is me. It's my fault, too. Kind of. You see, I wanted to read some things about Child Abuse, some stories I mean.

I can't imagine the pain, the days lived in fear... before I heard the song Concrete Angel, it hadn't even sunk in that there was something other than a happy family, the happy family that was Me, Ryuu, Mum and Da. I have never been struck by Mum or Da, and with Ryuu it was understandable (we were having a light saber fight, one that I won, by the way). Ryuu has insulted me (DUH), but he's an older brother, it's life.

But I have NEVER seen parents insulting their child, or striking their child. I guess I'm lucky. If only there was something I could do... I want to scream for them, cry for them. I've heard, from stories and poems on the topic, that the children being abused don't scream or cry, or else their abuser hurts them worse. It frightened me, badly too. The thought of some child crying somewhere late at night because their parent (or other person who abused them) hurt them. *shudders and gives a small sob* I wish I could help them all... if only there was something I could do! Oh... *collapses into silence*

Today just might be the best.

Today is awesome.

1) I WILL go to Blockbuster.
Random person: But-
NO. I WILL GO. Nothing in Hell is going to make me miss this chance, dangit!

2) I'm going to Guitar Center to get Kuroda's present. Ah ah ah! No hints, Kuroda!

3) I went to the library, which is in my top 5 places to go to (some of the others are The China Star, Borders, and The Cheesecake Factory).

4) I finished my algebra packet, which is 3 pages/52 questions long.

5) That little dog at Joy Unlimited wouldn't let some guy or his mom pet him, but for me, he sat, then lay down, then lay down on his side, then rolled over for me, which his owner said was remarkable.

6) My cat doesn't hate me today.

7) Today's episode of "What I like about you" has BEN OH MY GOD BEEEEEEEEEEN! Ben is hot, and british, so he has a british accent, making him doubly hot. Yes.

...

I LOVE YOU BEN! *squee*

Dancing queen...

Dancing... *brittle laugh* I've taken it up as a side hobby, if you could call it that. I don't take formal lessons- never will. It's more of an expression on how I feel. Like, when I'm happy, I go at a medium pace, swirling, dipping, jumping, and sliding. When I'm sad, there's no jumping, just slow sliding and circles drawn with my feet. And then, there was last night. I got off my chat calm as can be- and I exploded. Swirl, jab, slide, drop, jump up, spin while jumping, hit the edge of an armchair, push off said armchair, etc etc. I was so mad! Because I can't
do a
freaking
thing.

I want to help so badly- but I can't! I'm not mad at people, not the world, not my surroundings, just me! When I ended this eruption of fury, I stood in the middle of my living room, breathing heavily with my hair falling in my face. I'm sure that if you looked in my eyes, they would be no nonsense, the light taken out of them by rage. I wanted to claw at myself, punish myself for not being good enough. Instead, I sat down and cried, wanting to be so much more- and being so much less...

Erm, no comment?

Ok, I printed out my summer homework, an Algebra packet. Yeah, maybe I WAS suppossed to be working on it all summer instead of in the last two weeks, but whatever. The point is I have 3 pages of algebra to do. A normal child: This sucks!
Me: Yay!

My dad is an algebra teacher, so he's going to give me some tips to help make it easier (no, he will NOT give me the answers). Also, I am one of those little nerd-lings who manages to have non-nerd friends and love math at the same time. Basicly, I don't go around proclaiming how cool math is, I just think "Hey, cool, logic."
Logic puzzles are my hobby, by the way. Give me a logic puzzle and I will finish it if it kills me. Esp. those types that are like: There are four people, find their last name, color of hat, store they shopped at, and how much they spent.
Me: Alright!
Other people: ...*brain explodes*

So, people say: We have an algebra packet! That sucks, doesn't it?
And I just go: ...

I may go to blockbuster, or get netflix, cause I have SO many movies I want to see! Here is the short list:

Spirited Away
The Thief Lord
Fruits Basket (any season, I love them all :3)
Chicago (Gotta love musicals.)

Those are top on my list. I'm sure there's more, but those are off the top of my head.

*yells at the top of my lungs*
"They had it coming! They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it! (She didn't do it!)
But if I'd done it! (But if she'd done it!)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?!"

I want to watch that so badly... it's part murder mystery! Heck yeah!

MurderMurderMurder Murder Scandal!

Nerds and Geeks

I enjoy geeks. I really do. I love watching them geek out about things they saw in comic books. Best of all, I love video game geeks, such as Ryuu and myself. Ever read the comic Ctrl-Alt-Del, written by Tim Buckley? It's freaking hilarious, even if it does use a lot of cusswords. Oh well, such is the story of my life. I will now describe each (main) Charecter in my own words:
Ethan: Insane. He works at a video game store, surprise surprise.
Lucas: The smart one of the two guys, he works as tech support (or he was as far as I remember. Wait, didn't he quit that job? I forget.).
Lilah: The Girl gamer who KICKS BUTT. She's engaged to Ethan. How does she put up with him? Who knows.
Scott: Scott rarely comes out of his room. He uses Linux, which annoys Ethan (Ethan doesn't exactly like Scott). Has the only pet in the group, Ted the Penguin.
Ted the Penguin: Since he's a penguin, he never speaks (well duh). He is... disturbing. Ethan also doesn't like Ted. He gets his way, every time. Because he pwns.
Zeke: Ezekiel. A robot Ethan made out of an XBox. Yeah.

Um, that's it, to my standards. But it's a GREAT comic. Oh yes, there's also Chef Brian, who is 100% insane, compared to Ethan's 99%.

Righty-o, that's all.

Reality is sometimes Stranger than Fiction...

Mood: Trying hard not to cry
Listening to: Concrete Angel
Reading: Nothing at the moment (shocking!)
Watching: MMoFJ
Playing: Maplestory
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

Life is... surreal. I feel like I'm reading a book or watching a movie. I touch with out feeling, look without seeing, listen without hearing. Everyone has had moments like that, but it's happening more and more to me lately. I feel as though I've been brought in in the middle of a drama I cannot heal, cannot help, cannot stop, which terrifies me. Not the actual circumstances themself, but the feeling that I can't help one of my dearest friends. I want to jump on a plane right now, fly to her town, run up her street, burst through the door and say "I'm here, I'm here, don't run away, I'm here, and I care about you and I love you." I want to hold her in my arms and sing her a lullaby, rock her back and forth and reassure her she's alright. Not that I can say any of this to her.
1. She lives too far away to tell by mouth (obviously, as I said with the plane part)
2. She refuses to read our emails.
3. She would just glare at me and tell me she's not a child.

But Sasate, dear heart, you are a child, a child we ALL love. I know you think we don't care. You need a break, and I can understand that. But know this (if you still read my blog)- I care about you greatly. I love you. You are my best friend. And I miss the you I met 5 months ago.

5 months... it feels like so much longer! If I hadn't met you, I'm 100% sure I would've pulled a Kisa and fell so far into myself I couldn't talk, couldn't react to anything. As it is, I'm "On the edge of breaking down, with no one there" to save me.

I- I miss you so much! I'm about to cry, I can feel it, and probably will very very soon. The only thing I want in the world is for you to come back.You don't have to be perfect! You don't have to "deserve" us, whatever the hell THAT would entitle. All you have to do is be you! So please, come back as soon as you're ready, and I'll pray that that's soon, is that fair?

I love you Sasa-chan. I love you and pray you will feel better soon.

Mood: Thoughtful...
Listening to: I can't beleive my heart by Susan Egan
Reading: Fruits Basket book 14
Watching: ...not sure. I think it's Step by Step.
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

I always knew there was a song that "I won't say I'm in love" was based on, or so I heard. But until last night, I hadn't heard it. It's very... ballad-y. But I heard it once, and now... There's a little knot in my chest. Why? Because it's close to what I feel. Here are the lyrics I particularly like:

If life is worth the dissapointment
I haven't seen one reason yet
Until I met
The boy who smiles for free...
Upon this earth,
There's no one like him
He sees the girl I long to be
Making even me believe in me...

Well... That's how I feel about Night-Kuroda-whatever he wants me to call him.
NOT THE ROMANTIC PART OF IT! Just... how he's basicly the only boy I trust anymore (Besides my brother, of course). And lately, I've been sad, but whenever I talk to him, I see his smiling face in my head and can't help but cheer up. So Kuroda, here's to you. You're my OTF. (Ask not a question you won't get an answer to, children ;) )

I miss you in the morning
I miss you in the eve
I miss you when I'm wakeful
I miss you as I sleep.
I miss you when I'm lonely
When I'm surrounded by my friends
I miss you when I'm sad
But mostly, when I'm happy.

Kudos for being you!

Mood: Wanna get up and dance!
Listening to: 7 things by Miley Cyrus
Reading: Japanese Phrases for Dummies
Watching: George of the Jungle (The TV show, not the Movie.)
Playing: Aveyond, both 1 and 2.
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing

My friend had this great idea, to help my figure out how I want to decorate my room.
Three favorite music styles: Oldies, Celtic flute, Oriental music
Three words to describe you: Thoughtful, calm, shy
Three favorite colors: green, brown, blue (all MELLOW versions of those colors.)
Three intrests: Nature, animals, cooking
Three of your favorite subjects: Math, Art, and Woodshop :3
Three favorite hangouts: The Pool, The kitchen, and the outdoors.

Yes. I sound like a hippie! *laughs* But yeah, I feel SO at home in the outdoors.